Executive Functioning

I am Black.

I am a Woman.

I am a Mother.

I am a Christian.

I am a Lesbian.

I am a Teacher.

I am an Artist.

Each identifier summons an image, thought, or opinion. The prevailing attribute depends on company, circumstance, and setting. But, I am all of them just the same.

I have struggled to find the harmony between these parts. Heck, I can’t even hear the melody some days, but I try nevertheless.

It’s f****** exhausting.

Gloria’s monologue in the Barbie movie hit me like a ton of bricks. It is how I have felt most of my life. Not only must I be conflicting things, but I must also take all the blame for anything that goes wrong.

That’s just for having a vagina.

It gets worse after your vagina pumps out people.

Then you become a strong idiot. You are completely capable and will f*** everything up, so everyone must tell you what to do all the time even if they have not produced humans.

That’s just downright infuriating.

AND…

You must smile. You must always smile graciously, confidently, and pleasantly so as not to make the natives restless.

The ludicrous character assumptions we make based on descriptiors is explored in Isabel Wilkerson’s Caste. She explains that these assumptions lead to behaviors that have a significant emotional toll.

For me, the pressure to suppress negative emotions and regulate my reactions to avoid being labeled an “angry Black woman” is ever-present. Any lapse in either of these aspects leads to the dismissal of any concerns I raise.

For much of my adulthood, this external pressure, coupled with my internalized belief that my life should primarily benefit my community, created a complex situation where my personal desires and ambitions took a backseat.

In my late twenties, I reached a turning point. I could no longer tolerate patronizing or condescending behavior. I’d had my fill of “sweeties” and decided it was time for a change. This transformation in self-perception wasn’t universally embraced. However, it allowed me to shed old, limiting labels and unhealthy habits.

I still had to confront societal expectations discouraging me from desiring power or control. I had been raised to believe that my purpose was to benefit the collective, inadvertently instilling the notion that my personal wants and ambitions were secondary or even wrong.

Understanding executive functioning became a pivotal part of my journey. Executive functioning, encompassing cognitive skills like adaptive thinking, self-regulation, and time management, proved transformative for both my personal life and career.

One critical question, “What variables are we working with right now?” became a game-changer. Diffusing anxiety and enabling me to adapt to uncontrollable circumstances, it also proved invaluable to self-actualization. When navigating the constant changes in child development, it allows me to problem-solve effectively.

Acknowledging my desire for an executive life motivated me to actively develop my executive functioning skills. Personally, I recognized my aspiration to be a protector and provider in my relationships, requiring financial stability and influence. At 35, I embraced these aspirations alongside my commitment to positively impact my family and communities, even though the path forward remained uncertain.

The landscape of work in America shifted dramatically, accelerated by the COVID-19 pandemic, disrupting traditional work structures and ushering in “The Great Resignation.” Concurrently, discussions about workplace culture and diversity took center stage. The need for diversity in leadership positions became increasingly evident, driven by events like the Black Lives Matter movement and pandemic-related disparities. Black women, uniquely poised to bring intersectionality and resilience to leadership roles, emerged as vital agents of change.

Three years later and white fragility is actively and openly rolling back on commitments to diversity. True colors have, in fact, been revealed.

It’s crucial to challenge societal norms that pressure women, particularly Black women, to prioritize others over themselves. It’s time to dismantle the stigma around ambition and power and recognize that desiring power for the purpose of positive change is not only acceptable but necessary.

Developing executive functioning skills is not just a personal endeavor but also a response to the demands of a rapidly changing labor market. Moreover, advocating for self-care without guilt is paramount. We must take care of ourselves to be effective advocates for change and leaders in our families and communities.

So, how do you start?

Well, start with who you are. Start by being true to what you value, not what you’ve been conditioned to value. Start by writing out a mission and vision for your time on this earth.

I promise, so much begins to take shape from there. You’ll start to see your actions and behaviors differently. You’ll recognize you have access to more than you thought. You’ll start to believe you can actually be who you always wanted to be.