How to Share the Load (and Why It Will Heat Up Your Holiday Nights)
Just before Thanksgiving, my wife and I took a quick weekend away. It wasn’t extravagant. In fact, it was fueled by a $150 credit from Hotels.com that allowed us to snag a room for $30 a night. But the cost didn’t matter. The intention did.
Lately, our schedules have been chaotic. She turned to me recently and said something that stopped me in my tracks: “I feel all of the labor and none of the love.”
That hit hard. As a performer and an artist, I have a drive that pushes me to the finish line—or at least to the point where I can finally sleep. My wife is attracted to that drive, and she supports it beautifully by reminding me to rest. But sometimes, I get so caught up in the grind that I forget that I can’t just thank her at the finish line. I have to be in the marriage with her every single day.
So, we separated the kids, booked the room, and just existed together. We listened to live music, we laughed, and we remembered why we got into this “building a legacy” business in the first place.
That weekend shaped my heart and mind posture for this holiday season. If you are raising children with a woman or female-identifying partner, here are the lessons I brought home—and why following them might just make this your best (and most intimate) holiday season yet.
1. Define Your Terms (The “T-Shirt” Rule)
During our trip, we realized something hilarious but critical: We speak different languages.
- When I say “T-shirt,” I mean a shirt with a graphic design that you wear outside.
- When she says “T-shirt,” she means an undershirt.
We have been confusing the kids for years without realizing it! We spent time coming to an understanding of our definitions so that when we went back home, we meant the same thing. Lesson: Language is important. Don’t assume you are on the same page about the holiday schedule just because you used the same words. Clarify everything.
2. Prepare for the Holidays With Her, Not Against Her
The holiday season is notoriously anti-woman/anti-mom. Every movie and commercial shows a happy family enjoying the magic, while the mom is in the background sweating over the stove or the wrapping paper. (There’s a Michelle Pfeiffer movie about this, but even Marge Simpson knows the struggle).
Mom’s labor is seriously undervalued right now. Even if your partner likes decorating and gifting, your time and talent are your greatest treasures. Invest them in her.
3. Listen First, Speak Second
Here is a tip for the husbands and partners: Be honest about what you want, but only AFTER you’ve listened to what she wants.
Let’s face it: statistically, men (and assertive partners) tend to speak up about their desires before the other person has taken a breath. Women often hide behind “I’m fine” or “It doesn’t matter” just to keep the peace. But it usually does matter, and you’ll sense that tension later when the plans are locked in.
This culture is stacked against women speaking their needs freely. As her partner, it is your responsibility to create and protect space for her to be transparent.
- The Hack: Set a calendar invite. Wake up 20 minutes early. Call her on a lunch break. Create the space and ask, “How are you feeling about what’s coming up?”
- The Reward: Not only will you avoid arguments, but spoiler alert: The sex you get this season after she feels truly heard will be mind-blowing. 😉
4. Be Proactive, Not a Passenger
Don’t assume you will be told what to do and when. If you are waiting for instructions, you are just another child she has to manage.
- Ask follow-up questions.
- Show interest in the details.
- Say, “What are you thinking regarding [X]?” before she has to bring it up.
5. Fill Her Cup (and Her Stocking)
It isn’t about the money; it’s about her feeling chosen. Don’t wait until the last minute to pick up something generic.
- Go Local/Etsy: Show your social consciousness and empathy.
- Listen to Complaints: Has she been complaining about a sore back? Get a massage gift certificate. Phone screen cracked? Get a cool new case.
- Fragrances: Always a hit if you know her scent.
Building a legacy takes time, energy, and commitment like you’ve never evoked in your life. Our personal relationships are the lifeline that allows us to do that work. This December, let’s make sure our partners feel the love, not just the labor.
Your Turn!
Get the conversation started in the comments!
- “What is your version of the ‘T-shirt vs. Undershirt’ debate in your house? What word do you and your partner define totally differently?”
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